Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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