dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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