omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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