I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He did a backflip because drugs
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