Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The best revenge is premature balding
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
