when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
