would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
