Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
