She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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