whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
