party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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