Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
