Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
