What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
