So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
