No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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