This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
