if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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