Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
