I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
