i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
