Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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