she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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