I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
