so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
