I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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