she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
