i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize