Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize