U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
