I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
