My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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