I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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