He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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