if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
