he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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