my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
