there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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