Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize