meet me or not, i'm out of control
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
