Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
