I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
