Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is Oprah even human
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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