Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
