Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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