Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
