I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
