just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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