My room smells like vodka and shame
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
