last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
