In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
