Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
