i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
