I understand Curling. That high.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
