Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
