wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
