just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
