I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize