I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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