He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize