i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I am one with the molecules
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
